I'd Rather Forget Chapter 4

I Never Knew Love (Until Him)



“I will not have you spreading anymore lies, Ffamran!” the elder archadian cried, slamming his fist on his work desk. The dark eyes moved to glare at me, and I shuddered in fear, my armor making slight chiming sounds as I slowly backed away. Father never believed me when I told him about the other Judge Magisters’ treatment of me. I am sixteen, almost a man, and yet he still treats me like an attention seeking child! Even with the evidence engraved into my neck, and Gabranth’s own testimony of my treatment! My time in the healer’s room did not even deter him, after the wraith’s attack upon the judge magister and I.

My vision was blurred by tears now, as I held my helmet tightly, knuckles going white with the tightness of my grip. Cid was sighing about something, I did not know what as my attention was on how much trouble I was in for disturbing him with ‘silly talk’ as he called it. Shifting my feet, I stared at the floor, slowly turning to leave quietly, but the entrance of Ghis and Bergan made me stop in my tracks. I had only noticed their feet at first, with my head lowered, but recognizing their boots, I quickly looked up, moving out of the way. Looking as regal as usual, Ghis walked past me, while Bergan sneered at me from the doorway, blocking any chance of escape.

Father had gone back to sitting, and was sighing now, which worried me. The subtle pinch of the bridge of his nose, and the tapping of his nails on the desk was increasing the anxiety within me. What was he up to?

The answer came quickly as he looked at Ghis. “Is the spare quarters within your suite prepared?” he asked coldly, and my heart sank, fear in my eyes. Any and all respect for the man dwindled right then. He was no longer my father, but an insane monster.

“No…” I whispered, backing away. My nightmare was becoming worse.

Both of them were sneering at me when my back hit the bookshelves. “Yes,” Bergan nodded at Father. “We can move him in immediately.”

Eyes wide, I tried to move past Bergan, quickly grabbed, even while kicking and struggling. My fists were hitting his back feebly, ignoring the laughs that were coming from Ghis. My father was shaking his head at my actions while I screamed at Bergan to put me down. “No! Father! Don’t leave me with them!” Tears were falling from my eyes; my father’s betrayal was devastating me and I was completely stunned, though it was not enough to prevent me from continuing to fight off my captors. The situation was so terrible; it left me wanting to go seek solace in Gabranth’s embrace, perhaps even Drace’s. She always had a hot cup of cocoa ready…even if she usually made them for the little prince.

He waved them – the judge magisters, and my cries of mercy – off with a flick of his hand, and they left with me, still kicking to break free. “Should be fun, eh Ffamran?” Ghis said, walking alongside Bergan. One of his gloved hands reached up to grab my chin, looking into my eyes with the cold ones of his own. “We’ll be able to beak you in our own bed tonight.” The small laugh from them both made me cry harder as I was carried to their rooms. My tears were gliding down my cheeks, and onto the leather gloves of the judge. The sound was like rain, making the gloomy mood even darker.

It was then I decided it was time to get out of here; I had to think of a plan of escape. I could no longer trust my own family, and in this position, where my guardian handed me to the ones that harmed me, not even the people I did trust could save me now.

Slowly, a hand began to grope my thigh, working its way up to my ass. Choked sobs came from me, and all I could say was;

“Please…no…”

“Balthier! Wake up! You’re having a nightmare!” The light, feminine voice rang in my ears, startling me from my sleep. Opening my eyes, I stared into the brown ones of the princess, and winced, finding a small bruise on her cheek. I must have hit her in my sleep. Giving her an apologetic look, I reached out to touch it.

She jumped a little in surprise more than pain. Smiling, she breathed out a sigh of relief, seeing that I was calm. “The others and I were worried about you.” Looking away, blushing, she added, “I’d barely noticed you were having a fit until I felt you hit me. Fran was the first to notice, and was trying to wake me up so we could wake you.” It was then I looked over her shoulder to find Basch and Fran kneeling there, both of their eyes were on me, and now I was blushing in a deeper shade then the princess.

Looking away from all of them, I sat up, pulling my knees close to my chest. “I apologize…” I did not know what else to say. Tell them that I had, had a nightmare about my father sending me to my demise? How he would not believe me in my time of need? How he’d helped the devious judge magisters’ ruin my life? I kept my eyes focused on the wall of Sohen Cave entrance, avoiding looking at them.

Gentle hands pried me away from my corner though, lifting me away from the side of the cave. As I was about to growl in annoyance until I found dark blue eyes looking into mine with determination, and worry. “’Tis not your fault, Balthier…” he spoke softly, holding me close to him. Looking to where I previously was, I noticed the princess had moved away to allow him to comfort me. A swift overlook of the entrance told me that the orphans were awake now as well, watching the captain and me with avid interest.

Quickly, I hid my face in his chest, listening to the comforting pulse of his heart. If I could have crawled under a rock at that moment, I would have, but the captain’s strong embrace prevented any quick escape. Squirming, I tried to indicate to the older man that I was feeling quite uncomfortable with my current situation, and he seemed to catch my drift.

He set me on my feet near his own bedding, looking to the others. “We can discuss it later, as being here is clearly bothering him. We need to get moving, so everyone, each, freshen up, pack up, and let’s go.” I nodded behind him rummaging through the food sack, and pulling out something for myself to eat for breakfast.

They watched me apprehensively, Fran being the only one brave enough to take the bag from me. I merely sat there, eating the succulent fruit quietly.

It all went smoothly from there, though the orphans were the quickest ones to pack and leave. It must have been their questionable excitement to see the imperial city. I stretched, standing in the bright sunlight of Old Archades, noticing Vaan and Penelo ahead. Basch and Ashe came up behind Fran and I.

“-but we’re in more like a sewer…” the distinct sound of the thief’s voice, as he spoke to the young dancer, carried to my ears, and I had to comment on his words.

“Even empires have need of sewers.” My hands moved to my hips as I slowly began to walk towards them. “The runoff from Archades proper pools here; those who lack papers to live in the city itself. The mighty who have fallen…and the fallen who would be mighty. Their eyes never leave Archades.” Much like yours…I wanted to add, standing almost next to the boy who had perched himself up high.

“I guess it must be a lot nicer then this place.”

“Oh, to be sure,” I had to hold in a laugh, “Archades reeks of a different filth.” Crossing my arms over my chest, I watched him hop off his perch, everyone surrounding me. I was the only one who knew Archades well enough, and they relied on me to get them to Draklor, sadly. “Let’s be off. We can follow our noses to Draklor…” Uncrossing them, I looked in the direction of proper Archades and began to walk, listening as everyone kept in step behind me. My determination to get this over with, and be as far away from the dreadful city only outweighed Princess Ashe’s determination to reclaim her throne.

I separated myself from the group, talking to some of the people, knowing what was to come at the end of it. Rushing about, I found every person, listening to every detail of juicy information I could get. In Old Archades, as well as with the proper one; information was as good as a pouch of gil. It could also get you good money.

As I began to cross the bridge that lead to the other side of Old Archades, Basch held me back. “What are you doing, Balthier?” everyone but Fran looked confused as to what I was doing.

“Information is like money here. You’ll see once we make it to the end…” with that, I continued on, not telling him who I was dreading on seeing at gates of Archades. More people would be on the way to Archades, and of course…him.

Once we were at the entrance, I watched, only slightly amused as Vaan attempted to get in. As quick as he went up, they sent him back off, as he did not have the necessary paperwork. Out of all of us, I was the only one with the papers, and I did not want them all to know that the son of Cidolfus Bunansa was in Archades again. It would create an uproar that we did not need. As well, rumours would reach my father faster than I could keep them in check.

Slowly, I began my pace back to the other end, noticing how the others were watching me. They followed behind at a leisurely pace, unsure of my actions, though Fran probably had an idea.

As I passed a corner, a familiar man came out of nowhere. “Having trouble getting into Archades?” he asked in a low purr, and I could not help but roll my eyes.

“Oh wonderful. Enter the streetear.” Just the man I was looking for. “Hello, Jules.”

“Ffam - ” I gave him a quick glare as he began to say my real name, halting him quickly. “Balthier.” With a sly smile he corrected himself quickly, smart man. “I can see you’ll need my help.” The smirk made me want to hit him, but I just stood there.

“What’s going on? Who is he?” Vaan’s voice rang behind me, and I turned to see the group (sans Fran) watching curiously. The viera was familiar enough with the streetear.

“He is a dealer in information. You tell him something, and he’ll give you help, or money.” I jutted a thumb in the man’s direction. “As I had said earlier, information is as good as money here.”

“So, thousand five hundred gil for my services.” He stuck out his hand expectantly.

Groaning inwardly, I looked to the others. “He’s reliable, so trust me with this.” At that, I pulled the desired amount out of one of my side pouches, handing it to him.

“As I know you’re the one with enough knowledge to have his ear to the ground, tell me, what have you heard?”

“Man on the other end of Old Archades has miraculously attained himself a good amount of money.”

“Perfect…Beasley’s lost a big amount of money he’s been scrapping together. Go find him, and tell him. He’s likely to be at…” listening to the instructions, I took off at a jog to find the depraved man.

Once finding him, it was a matter of telling the fallen man, and watching what would happen. With that task out of the way, I went back up the upper half, and had to dive into the safety of the boxes Jules was sitting on with the others as the Imperials ran past. A couple of commoners were yelling, “’Ey! ‘Tis a fight! Beasley’s gone wild!” The information worked.

With a quick smile to the streetear, I went to the gates again, the others following eagerly. I did not even hear a word about the legality of our actions. Though I knew Jules was not far behind. It would not be a difficult task for them to cross. I had nine Pinewood chops, and a Sandalwood for myself. It was enough to get myself across and them across after some shopping as I knew that taxi’s required either a million gil, or nine pinewood chops (or a sandalwood one, but those were rare, I was lucky that I’d saved up my pinewoods earned as a teen). You could keep them of course; just having them was a writ of transit in Archades. Sandalwood got you into more places, thus, when we arrived, I handed the nine to Jules, explaining to him to hand them to the group, as I had business to attend to.

As we walked along the road, the orphans going ahead to explore the imperial city, the thief running ahead with Penelo walking calmly behind him. Basch, Ashe, Fran and I all stayed behind. The city was nothing surprising to us. Especially to me.

Listening as they chattered, Basch striding up to talk to them, I watched the Princess. During our journeys, her opinions of him seemed to change. From a traitor, to a loyal knight once more. I could almost admire her ability to forgive him, while he was the one accused of killing her father.

He is too much of a tame lion, with a good heart to do such a thing. During Vossler’s death, it could be seen; his loyalties were in the people, not the location…

“You seem troubled…” the soft voice murmured next to me.

Looking up at Fran, I crossed my arms, looking forward again. “I need to check on something…” I whispered back, refusing to look at her.

“…You are going to see him are you not?” the musical tone of laughter in her voice could be heard. My mouth twitched slightly, refusing to smile. She knew me too well. As well as she knew the man I sought outs habits too. “I will watch them then, and take care of your shopping…as well as that rat, Jules. You just make sure that he is in face there.”


Nodding, I passed Ashe, walking to the taxi. I could hear them all making questioning noises, and trying to speak to me, but a hushed sound from Fran ceased it. My stride turned to a jog as I rounded the corner from their sight.

He always had lunch in the same spot. Many times I had caught Gabranth eating at the other side of Archades. The excitement boiling in me was making me feel as if I was about to burst. My heart was racing, and all I could think about was finding the taxi, and making it into my mentor’s arms.
The Judge Magister had a routine. Wake up, dress, go for breakfast, reports, check the troops, lunch…about this time was his lunch time. When I was young I would follow him there, he would get me something, we would talk, and he would send me on to my father. As I grew older, my time with him grew longer; he was my shelter from reality…still is. One of the few peoples I could trust…during the past six years…only two people have been added to those ranks; Fran, and Basch. Before, it was only Zecht, Gabranth, Drace…and Zargabaath. Years and only six people in the world I can trust with my life. Not so comforting when you think of it.

Holding the Sandalwood chop out, I entered the taxi without a word, ignoring the rude sound the driver made. Sitting, I stared out at the imperial city. The quiet ride left me to think, and my main thoughts were…should I be doing this? Should I be abandoning the party to seek a judge out? He could get the information from me and stop what we are doing! Though, I am a strong man in interrogations; against Gabranth I am weak.

The stop jolted me from my thoughts, scowling as the driver yelled; “end of the line mister!” Hopping to my feet, I stepped out, Tsenoble – the grand upper level of Archades – before my eyes.

Strutting away, I followed my nose and my heart to the cafes…and there he was, out of his judge’s armor. He was merely in a black sleeveless turtle neck, leather pants, and steel toe boots with his favourite meal before him. I could turn back now, knowing he would be gone by the time the others came back. I could run discreetly for the higher parts of Tsenoble, wait away for him to leave, and return. But how lonely he looked made my feet move towards him.

He did not even look up as I approached his table, eyes focused on the paper he was reading. I considered leaving, until;

“And your purpose in standing there and watching me is? Kindly tell me who you are, and what you want.” Swallowing, I lowered myself so I was sitting on my heels, looking up at him now.

“Merely to visit an old friend…” my words were soft, quiet. If it was not for how he turned, wide eyed to stare at me, I could have sworn he did not hear me.

His mouth opened a few times, nothing coming out. We stared in silence, the wide, blue eyes like those of Captain Basch’s observed me, until he finally spoke. “F-Ffamran?!” it was an uncharacteristic squeak, and I could not help but smile, nodding.

“Yes…it me Gabranth. I was in town, and could not help but visit you…” smiling weakly, I leaned against the thigh closest to me. Closing my eyes, I tried not to cry, feeling the rapid heartbeat beneath me. He was as stunned by this as I was. “I know this is sudden…I just had to see you…”

Ungloved fingers moved to run through my hair, comforting me. “Things must be easier for you at least…Bergan and Ghis are dead…” he laughed softly, and I blushed, looking away. “Sadly, Zecht ran away, and Drace is dead too…”

Eyes wide, my head flew up to stare at him. “I – I knew about Ghis and Bergan…but Drace is gone too?!” I choked out, voice going hoarse.

“How did you - ?” obviously he refused to answer about Drace until I replied.

“I was in on their deaths…I was with the Princess at the time of Ghis’s foolish death, and Bergan’s murder…” Coughing into my hand, I looked away, only turning back to him when his hand took my chin, turning me to him.

The blue eyes were cold, but quickly softened. “Then I assume you know where Basch Fon Ronsenburg is.” It was not a question, but a statement.

“You’d be correct. But I will not tell you. He looks surprisingly like you, you know.” I smirked a little, watching him for a response.

A little smile came to the man’s face, as he closed his eyes, nodding. “He mentioned having a twin did he?”

I stood, moving to the seat across from him, to tell him of how I knew. Leaning in close, I spoke in a hushed voice; “A brother of one of the soldiers you killed attacked Basch when we were escaping the Nalbina Dungeon’s. When his cage landed, he helped us in our journey out. Though, along the way, with some persuasion, he explained to us the reason for his determination in his belief of his innocence. I only believed him, knowing who you are, and what Vayne is like.”

Sighing, he rubbed his face, watching me with tired eyes. “He is right. I am his younger twin. Though neither of us has acknowledged the other in years…that’s not counting the time he spent in Nalbina. So…we’ve never reached out to each other in a loving, or brotherly way since we separated…after the fall of Landis, and he chose to aide Dalmasca. It seems that both of us have kept the others existence a secret to our comrades though.”

“Understandable,” I nodded. “Who would want to tell their country, especially if they are of high standing, that they have a brother, ney a twin, in the enemy country? It would make it difficult…though motive to attack if you hate them…and perfect if they still harbor feelings of affection.” I gave him a pointed look, but he looked away, refusing to answer.

“He still cares, does he?” finally speaking, he covered his mouth, not looking at me, but at the table.

“He hasn’t said anything…but I can tell. He’s a loyal man, with not much else left.” Sitting back, I sighed, knowing the party, mainly the princess, were the last things he had in life. Without Gabranth, it would be difficult for him to regain Dalmasca’s trust. Though, Ashe’s trust would be a great assistance.

“…So you came to scold me, tell me that you’ve killed your nightmares, and all around terrorize me? Ffamran, you have not changed much.” He chuckled, pulling back to smile at me.

Scowling a little, I blushed. “Would you stop calling me Ffamran? It’s Balthier now. I got rid of that name when I left…and it’s not my fault that Ghis has never been the smartest of men, or that Bergan decided to kill us after his brutal murder of the Gran Kiltias.”

The smile softened his laughter ceasing as he reached out to stroke one of my cheeks. “You have never taken teasing well, have you? I could have murdered them myself for leaving you in such a state. They could never make a good joke that didn’t end in tears for you…I remember how Zecht and Drace would always tread lightly about you to make sure you never began bawling your eyes out…and until your Archadian birth certificate says that your name is Balthier, I will forever call you Ffamran. You were born with that name, and will live with it until I die.” Gently taking one of my earrings into his grip, he inspected it quietly, leaving me to mull over what he had said.

“It seems that you are not the only one with a ‘to the death bed’ promise with me. Though Ghis was the…’luckier’ of the two.” When he gave me a confused look, I continued, “They both seemed intent on keeping me as a sex slave. Though, died before they could throw be over their shoulder like the barbarians they are, and drag me back to Archades. And that’s not including how determined they are to rape me at every chance they got. Bergan, however, only got a few minutes, a kiss, and a grope out of me before his death. My inner kindness won out, when he was dying, and he took his chance, and told me of his intentions. Ghis, though, took me to a place in private, sent the others off and…” I shuddered at the memory, rubbing my arms as a feeling of dirtiness washed over. “I seem to attract the worst sort of people…if I knew what it was that attracted those sorts, maybe then I could find a way to stop it.”

Unwrapping myself, I ran a hand through my hair, blushing as I noticed how he was staring at me, quietly, with a dark look in his eyes. “Sorry to unload all this on you so suddenly…I should probably go.” Making a move to stand, I was startled as he grabbed one of my hands, still thinking, but refusing to let me go. Taking his hand, I placed mine over his, smiling a little. “Finish your lunch. I’m sure you’ll want to be out of the area when your brother comes. He is on his way, as I promised the group I would meet them at the Taxi stop.”

That caught his attention, as his head darted up, eyes fixed on mine. “Basch is in Archades?!” it was a hushed hiss, blue eyes narrowed. I nodded, and he released me, pulling his lunch together.

“We are on our way to Draklor. He has no intentions of disturbing you, but I don’t want any fights right now…especially when we would lose out. A small party in Archades stands no chance.” Standing there, I waited for him to finish, before straightening himself to stare into my eyes.

“Your reasoning is understandable, Ffamran, though you should have warned me sooner. I have no intentions of crossing his path at this time, like you have to intentions of us seeing each other right now. We must see each other again soon. Just don’t get into trouble, okay?” he pulled me in for a heartwarming embrace, which left me breathless. Moving away quickly, he held his paper in his mouth for a moment, which drew a giggle like sound from me.

Rolling his eyes, he pulled it out, and stuffed it under his arm. “I must go. They will be startled to have me back so early, but I can handle it. Just make sure they don’t get caught here. Many people here are smarter than you think.” With that said, he ran for the elevator which would escort him up to another Taxi service.

Smiling, I sat once more, considering getting myself something to eat as I wait for the others to arrive. I could not tell anyone what just happened, though I could be told to Fran some time…

The passing Taxi’s distracted me enough, yawning as I waited patiently. Knowing Jules, he probably worked all their gil out of them. They have probably gone on a wild goose chase as well. Hopefully, they had enough time to do some shopping, and sell the loot collected in the Cave. I would have to have a long discussion with the streetear about priorities, and screwing around with good friends, and their companions. I have known him since I was young, back in the days when I was living in the imperial city. He has, and probably will always be this way. A bit of a pity, though understandable for a man of his situation.

My attention was caught, as I was brought from my thoughts as a new Taxi arrived, the young thief stumbling out. Standing, I began to stroll over, watching the rest of the troupe step out, Jules not far behind. Fran’s sharp eyes watched for me, ears twitching.

When she finally caught sight of me, she guided them in my direction as I stepped towards them, chuckling at how tired the orphans looked. I was right; Jules sent them on a wild goose chase. Probably out collecting chops for him, I bet. Shaking my head, I approached, ready to get a story I was expecting out of the group;

“What took you so long?"